Redone - A Pharisees' Theoretical Discussion With Jesus

A Pharisees' Theoretical Discussion With Jesus

Jesus: I have not come to abolish, but to fulfill the law.

Pharisee: Best wishes! That’s what all of us Jews try to do.

Jesus: I am the living Torah. I follow the Torah with my heart.

Pharisee: You are not. You have not fulfilled the Law. Let me give you just one example. You have no children. The law says (for men only), "Be fruitful and multiply." It is the very first command of the Torah.

Jesus: I cannot have children for I am born of a virgin. I have no Y chromosome. Thus, the positive commandments don’t apply to me. I do have chromosomes though, as I am flesh and blood.

Pharisee: Perhaps, the Y chromosome miraculously appeared in you when you were conceived, or in fact you do have a flesh and blood genetic father. I think because you have a penis and excrement like the rest of men that you are a man and ought to act like one.

Jesus: I have no masculine attributes, except a penis. This is why I am Lord of Sabbath and can do as I please on this day. I am only concerned with the feminine commands, and this means I am not required to observe Shabbat.

Pharisee: Even if having children would be inappropriate for you, Jesus (as God), you are left with that fact that if you are God, then you cannot fulfill the Law, as God has masculine attributes.

Jesus: I understand everything, and you insult my Father.

Pharisee: But, we are all children of God. We are both sons of God. However, you have no home. You are homeless. How do you expect to fulfill the Law if you cannot affix a mezuzah to your doorpost?

Jesus: Woe to you Pharisees and experts in the Law.

Pharisee: If the following verses are not a call to be experts in the Law, I don't know what is. In fact, in Psalm 119 David writes of the joy of God’s law.

Joshua (1:8) This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth, but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein; for then thou shalt make thy ways prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
Psalm (1:2) But his delight is in the law of YHWH; and in His law doth he meditate day and night.
Psalm (77:13) I will meditate also upon all Thy work, and muse on Thy doings.'
Psalm (119:15) I will meditate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways.

Jesus: I am the Lord.

Pharisee: You are not God, but a part of God, all of creation is a part of God, as God is omnipresent. You are not my Lord. You are a freak.

Pharisee: (mistakes Jesus’ claim and thinks he has committed blasphemy, even though Jesus [giving him the benefit of the doubt] meant to teach that he was Lord like David was Lord. The Talmud notes that the Pharisees where not merciful enough.) You are not God, a man cannot be God. You are not even a king. You are some sort of sexual freak of nature that does not fulfill the Law of God. First, you have no children. Second, you do not keep Shabbat. Now, you have committed blasphemy, and are enticing the Jewish people into apostasy.

Jesus: You hypocrite.

Pharisee: Though Isaiah 60:21 says, "And your people are all righteous, they shall inherit the land forever. They are the branch of My planting, the work of My hand in which to take pride.” You have forfeited your share in the World to Come for committing blasphemy.

Jesus: You are the children of your father the Devil, and the lust of your father you will do.

Pharisee: The love of Israel is love of G-d. For it is written (Deuteronomy 14:1), "You are children of the L-rd your G-d"; when one loves the father one loves the children – [Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov] – Now you are teaching improper doctrine. You claim to be a Rabbi, but this is yet another capital crime. We are up to 4 capital crimes now. Are you ready to quit?

Some other Pharisees gather stones, and Jesus runs off. The Pharisees see that he has committed another minor sin. He has given into a greater power. They shrug their heads, and go on, only to hear that Jesus has made a scene in the Temple.

Pharisee: Jesus this Temple is sacred. Why are you acting up again?

Jesus: This is my father’s house and you are desecrating it.

Pharisee: You say this Temple will be destroyed anyway. Why do you care? It seems like you are adding insult and to what will be future injury. Your sins are piled high. We can no longer deal with you.